An Open Letter to South African Road Users
This has been brewing for a while. Every day it builds up little by little and now I’m going to vent my frustration in a blogpost that will probably be read by no one and definitely not by the idiots this is aimed at.
But here goes:
Dear South African Road User,
My name is Lood, and like you I travel the highways and byways of South Africa on a daily basis. Now I know that the traffic situation ranges from mildly frustrating to downright infuriating at times, but I would like to ask you all a big favour:
Please think of the people in the cars around you.
Yes! I know. It came as a shock to me as well when I realised that the other big metal shiny cars and trucks on the road contained actual human beings. I written and complained about it, but no one listened. I have developed a little list of things you should take note of. Especially you in the Audi yesterday afternoon. Yes you, with the baby on board sticker and the two-year old standing on the back seat.
- Just because the newly improved highway between Pretoria and Johannesburg has 4 to 6 lanes doesn’t mean you have to drive in all of them. Especially not in rapid succession. Pick a lane and stick to it.
- On that note, if you know your offramp is coming up please change lanes at least a kilometre or two beforehand. I know this sounds like a strange concept but contrary to popular belief it isn’t really safe or courteous to shoot across six lanes 50m before your turnoff.
- And following on points 1 and 2 – USE YOUR FUCKING INDICATORS YOU BLOODY MORON! They came for free with the car, it costs you nothing to use them and it can save your life and mine. It will also help keep my bloodpressure down to below lethal levels and could save your life if you happen to crash into me. Because I will fucking hurt you. Repeatedly. You are allowed to stop using them the day the government issues a toll on their use, ’till then: INDICATE!
- It is a well known fact that the average maximum speed on the highways is 120kmph but did you know we also have a minimum speed on South African highways? I know, crazy, right? Well this minimum speed is 60kmph. If your vehicle cannot reach that speed IT SHOULD NOT BE ON THE HIGHWAY.
- Speaking of which, if your car is only not falling apart due to some divine intervention, clever use of cable ties and prestic – GET OFF THE FUCKING HIGHWAY! Same goes for a car/truck that bellows out enough smoke to obscure my vision.
- If you know that your car isn’t that great when it comes to acceleration, or if you are not familiar with the concept of gearing down, please ensure that you DO NOT OVERTAKE ON AN INCLINE WHEN THERE ARE CARS RACING UP FROM BEHIND. This goes double if you are the driver of that barely functional Parmalat truck by Allandale at 5:45 this morning.
- There is a little magical place on the road where everything just disappears. You can find it at roughly a 45 degree angle behind every car. it is called the BLINDSPOT. Things that go in there doesn’t cease to exist, SO LOOK OVER YOUR FUCKING SHOULDER EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE!
- And by extension, the same is true for every vehicle, if you have a blindspot then so do I! I know, the logic in this universe doesn’t make sense to me either. Just accept the fact that it exists. AND DO NOT DRIVE IN MY BLIND SPOT FOR EXTENDED PERIODS OF TIME!
- If you feel the need to overtake someone who drives slower than you would like, don’t change lanes and the continue to travel the same speed, especially not on a two-lane road. You are just creating two queues of upset drivers
- Lastly, if I call you a monkey or throw you a finger because you drive like a cuntknuckle, don’t get upset with me. Rather reflect on why I’m doing these things and DRIVE BETTER.
I hope these simple guidelines will help you all to make the roads a bit safer, or if nothing else, save you from being beaten to death by someone who is sick and tired of all this bad driving.